To help distract us from the world around us and pay forward the help we’ve received over the years, several published and pre-published authors are giving away query critiques. The feedback will be posted on our blogs throughout the next two week, with a Twitter chat Friday, Dec. 2. Join us at 4 and 8 pm EST on #FFChat.
Title: THE DREAM KEEPER
Genre: YA dark fantasy
Dear (Agent),
Seventeen-year-old Nora Gallagher has spent the last five years
dreaming the same dream:[1]
a starlit sky, a luminescent beach, and a hooded man who calls himself the
Sandman. Logically, Nora knows he can’t be real, but when people close to her
start dying gruesome deaths in their sleep, the Sandman is the only one with
answers.[2]
dreaming the same dream:[1]
a starlit sky, a luminescent beach, and a hooded man who calls himself the
Sandman. Logically, Nora knows he can’t be real, but when people close to her
start dying gruesome deaths in their sleep, the Sandman is the only one with
answers.[2]
Hidden deep within Nora’s dreams is the secret to the Weaver’s
freedom, and the Lord of Nightmares[3]
will do anything to escape his prison.[4]
Even if that means traumatizing Nora until the Sandman’s protections shatter
under the weight of darkness.[5]
But, when the Weaver takes Nora’s sister, she throws that logic out the window.[6]
freedom, and the Lord of Nightmares[3]
will do anything to escape his prison.[4]
Even if that means traumatizing Nora until the Sandman’s protections shatter
under the weight of darkness.[5]
But, when the Weaver takes Nora’s sister, she throws that logic out the window.[6]
Entering the Nightmare Realm is nothing if not terrifying but, when she
gets separated from the Sandman, Norawill have to must navigate the deadly realm on her
own.[7]
Everyone she loves will be lost to the shadows if she fails to stop the Weaver,
but success comes with unexpected dark consequence of its own.[8]
gets separated from the Sandman, Nora
own.[7]
Everyone she loves will be lost to the shadows if she fails to stop the Weaver,
but success comes with unexpected dark consequence of its own.[8]
SPLINTERED meets NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET[9]
in a YA Dark
Fantasy, THE DREAM KEEPER, complete at 70,000 words.[10]
in a YA Dark
Fantasy, THE DREAM KEEPER, complete at 70,000 words.[10]
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Amber Riley[11]
[1]
Avoid using “dream” twice in one sentence. You can also streamline a little by
flipping it around “For five years, seventeen-year-old Nora experiences the
same dream:…” (And we don’t need her last name. I know it’s a preference, but
to me, unless the last name is a hint at diversity, it doesn’t add anything.)
Avoid using “dream” twice in one sentence. You can also streamline a little by
flipping it around “For five years, seventeen-year-old Nora experiences the
same dream:…” (And we don’t need her last name. I know it’s a preference, but
to me, unless the last name is a hint at diversity, it doesn’t add anything.)
[2]
Does Nora have some way of communicating with the Sandman? “is the only one
with answers” raises a lot of questions for me, like, how would she even know
that? Doesn’t the Weaver also have answers? Tell me about Nora and what she
does. If she’s communicating with the Sandman, let me know that.
Does Nora have some way of communicating with the Sandman? “is the only one
with answers” raises a lot of questions for me, like, how would she even know
that? Doesn’t the Weaver also have answers? Tell me about Nora and what she
does. If she’s communicating with the Sandman, let me know that.
[3]
I’m confused. Are the Sandman, Weaver, and Lord of Nightmares all referring to
the same person? Add a sentence before this explaining who the Weaver is. Why
is the secret to his freedom hidden within Nora’s dreams?
I’m confused. Are the Sandman, Weaver, and Lord of Nightmares all referring to
the same person? Add a sentence before this explaining who the Weaver is. Why
is the secret to his freedom hidden within Nora’s dreams?
[4]
Elaborate. Why is Weaver locked up? Do we want him to escape? Maybe the Weaver
is this poor old guy who was falsely accused…Maybe they don’t like him because
he rescues stray kittens. Don’t make me guess what happens. I’m a bad guesser.
Elaborate. Why is Weaver locked up? Do we want him to escape? Maybe the Weaver
is this poor old guy who was falsely accused…Maybe they don’t like him because
he rescues stray kittens. Don’t make me guess what happens. I’m a bad guesser.
[5]
I know you’re trying to by mysterious here, but this sentence is so vague that
it’s basically meaningless to me. Avoid clichéd phrases like “until the Sandman’s
protections shatter” and “under the weight of darkness.” I want to know who
these people are, what they’re trying to do, and what happens if he succeeds.
Why is he taking Nora’s sister?
I know you’re trying to by mysterious here, but this sentence is so vague that
it’s basically meaningless to me. Avoid clichéd phrases like “until the Sandman’s
protections shatter” and “under the weight of darkness.” I want to know who
these people are, what they’re trying to do, and what happens if he succeeds.
Why is he taking Nora’s sister?
[6]
Why does the Weaver take Nora’s sister? Does he need a tennis partner for
doubles? Add details to make your story stand out. Every agent you’re sending
this to gets dozens of YA fantasy queries a day (if not more). You want to make
them remember yours. The other thing is, this whole paragraph has kind of a
generic movie trailer tone to it. Make sure your query reflects your writing
voice. Use words Nora would use to describe her situation.
Why does the Weaver take Nora’s sister? Does he need a tennis partner for
doubles? Add details to make your story stand out. Every agent you’re sending
this to gets dozens of YA fantasy queries a day (if not more). You want to make
them remember yours. The other thing is, this whole paragraph has kind of a
generic movie trailer tone to it. Make sure your query reflects your writing
voice. Use words Nora would use to describe her situation.
[7]
You could add some good voice by cutting this into two sentences. Sentence 1:
how scared is she? Sentence 2: She gets separated from the Sandman and reacts
by….?
You could add some good voice by cutting this into two sentences. Sentence 1:
how scared is she? Sentence 2: She gets separated from the Sandman and reacts
by….?
[8]
This is too vague. I love that there are bad things happening whether Nora wins
or loses, but tell me what’s at stake. What happens if Nora fails to stop the
Weaver? And I have the same comments about voice here as above. Is this how
Nora would describe her situation? Give me a hint of her voice so I know what
to expect in the pages.
This is too vague. I love that there are bad things happening whether Nora wins
or loses, but tell me what’s at stake. What happens if Nora fails to stop the
Weaver? And I have the same comments about voice here as above. Is this how
Nora would describe her situation? Give me a hint of her voice so I know what
to expect in the pages.
[9]
Good comps
Good comps
[10]
I worry that this is a little low for YA fantasy with a 17yo main character.
You may want to explore places where the story could be fleshed out a bit or
places that could use more description/emotion/character development. I worry
more because the details of the query are so vague, it makes me wonder if the book itself is
vague or a bit too bare bones.
I worry that this is a little low for YA fantasy with a 17yo main character.
You may want to explore places where the story could be fleshed out a bit or
places that could use more description/emotion/character development. I worry
more because the details of the query are so vague, it makes me wonder if the book itself is
vague or a bit too bare bones.
[11]
The first thing I noticed about this query is that it’s pretty short. The plot
summary is only 164 words, which isn’t really enough to get across the
intricacies of the plot. I need to know what makes this book different from
other YA fantasies, because there are thousands of them. Why should I read this
book instead of a different one? To do that, I need to know what happens. The
plot summary should always be at least 200 words, preferably closer to 250.
Tell me enough to make me desperate to read this book.
The first thing I noticed about this query is that it’s pretty short. The plot
summary is only 164 words, which isn’t really enough to get across the
intricacies of the plot. I need to know what makes this book different from
other YA fantasies, because there are thousands of them. Why should I read this
book instead of a different one? To do that, I need to know what happens. The
plot summary should always be at least 200 words, preferably closer to 250.
Tell me enough to make me desperate to read this book.
You’ve got what could be a really interesting concept, but after reading the query, I’m not sure I could tell anyone what’s going to happen in this book. Give me more. Go deeper into the plot. Help me connect with Nora and feel the stress of her situation. Don’t give away the ending, but don’t hold back what happens in the earlier parts of the book. That’s what will take a query from no to maybe or maybe to yes.
Thank you!!! That's really helpful! I appreciate you taking the time to give such detailed feedback. 🙂
-Amber